Old Wives

We've all heard the myths.

If you're carrying low, it's a boy; high, it's a girl.  If you crave salty or sour, it's a boy; chocolate means a girl.  No morning sickness, it's a boy... and so on.  So what happens if you're craving a cheesy bean and rice burrito with a metric ton of mild sauce one day, and Hershey's the next?  Watermelon and raspberries make you giddy one day, and miserable the next?

Zack says twins.

I say, shut your @$@#$* mouth.  Please.  And if you don't mind, grab me a popsicle?  Orange.

I'm not really this mean and monstrous.  This is how it goes down in my head, though.  Like the following situation:

Reality

Dr. Buttface:  What can I do for you today?
Me:  Not sure, doc, I have a rather large kidney stone, but I am also pregnant.
Dr. Buttface:  Looks at me in quite the condescending manner, What makes you think you're pregnant?
Me:  About a million labs.  Would you like to see my paperwork?
Dr. Buttface:  Takes my pregnancy portfolio and proceeds to look over every sheet of paper, including my insurance information, as if he will find something to prove me wrong.  I'm referring you.  This is more than I want to deal with here.

What Went Down In My Head


Dr. Buttface:  What can I do for you today?
Me:  Probably nothing.  I am knocked up.
Dr. Buttface:  What makes you think you're pregnant?
Me:  I'm considering puking in your face right now, and at least 10 HPT's and two sets of Beta HCG levels tell me it's because there's something growing inside of me.  Did they skip that chapter in your community college med school?
Dr. Buttface:  I think that's out of line, Miss-
Me:  Vomits in his face


I guess I need to go lay down before my hormones crawl out of my blood and take on a form of their own like that creepy black stuff in that terrible Spiderman movie.