I am not even going to apologize for being away. I've been dealing with severe nausea and vomiting, pinched nerves in my back, a kidney stone not only in my left ureter but one also in my right kidney, and some sort of polyp in my gallbladder.
Sometimes the pain is pretty bad, but the worst part of the constant misery isn't the pain or vomiting itself, it's the fact that no one wants to tell me when it'll be better. The thought of going 6 more months with this and then labor and delivery has literally had me thinking of ways I'd rather die, and much sooner than 6 months from now.
My friends remind me that I've wanted this. And this is true- I wanted this when I had a boyfriend I'd been with for years and was very comfortable financially and the obvious next step was marriage and kids, so when I found out I was pregnant with his kid (for whom we'd already picked out a name), I was happy. But he wasn't. It was a very hard time and I lost the baby. So my friends being sweet to me and being happy for me is touching; they don't want me to go through that heartache again. But I still feel bitter. Why did this have to happen now, when I wasn't ready, and now I have all of these health problems at 22 little years old?
I keep trying to bond with the idea of our baby, and try to be happy to know we have a little miracle.
This song reminds me of the whole ordeal:
"Closed off from love, I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain
Time starts to pass before you know it you're frozen
But something happened for the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground, found something true
And everyone's looking 'round, thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear but they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal is to keep me from falling
But nothing's greater than the rush
That comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone around me thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe
But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh, they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see
I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love"
